calendar memories
I have a feeling that this time of year will always be a little rough for me. Between Father's Day mid June, my grandmother's birthday on the 4th, Papa's birthday on the 7th, and the semianniversary of Dad's death on the 12th, it tends to hit me in the heart a little harder than I'd like.
This year, I thought maybe I'd be able to avoid it. Between moving and unpacking, I've been a pretty busy little bee over here, with plenty of things to focus on besides the people I miss the most. But at the same time, this giant step into adulthood had a way of pointing me right to the loss.
The whole time I've been househunting, I've been doing so with the loss of my father at the forefront of my mind. I'm only in the financial position to buy a house at 25 because of the money I got from his life insurance policy. I met with my realtor for the first time on January 12th intentionally, as a way of simultaneously looking back and forward. So when I signed the papers a few weeks ago and spread the news to Nate, Liz and Mom, it felt especially difficult to not share the news with Dad.
Papa's birthday was also hard. Since we said goodbye to him nine months ago I've been thinking about the difference between knowing someone you love will die soon, and being surprised with the news. People always ask if it's better to know the date you're going to die or not, and I still don't know if there's right answer. I guess it's all a matter of opinion and priorities, but I feel like I've felt the loss of Papa in a much more surprising way. I knew Dad was going to die- from the first time he sat me down to tell me he had cancer, I knew it would bring his end. I didn't know how long we'd have, but I knew it was coming. Papa was a complete surprise, to everyone. Because I didn't have nearly as much time to prepare for that loss, I feel like it's almost worse.
I imagine that is also because I projected a lot of the "fatherly" duties onto Papa once Dad died. I think in the back of my mind, I always figured that even though Dad was gone, Papa would be around to answer my questions, teach me about cars and meet potential suitors. I think I'm almost just as sad to be missing out on the chance to dance with Papa at my wedding as I am that I won't get to have the traditional Father-Daughter dance. Buying this house has also been a tough reminder that he's gone because I remember that he promised he'd make us all bars like the one he made Dad once we settled into a place to call home, and I was looking forward to adding that to my furniture collection. I remember telling Tres after my trip to California last summer that I was looking forward to the day that he'd meet Papa, because they could go out to the garage and talk cars- something none of my other boyfriends ever would have been interested in. Now that's an idea that will have to live on in my head.
Nine months of thinking about the differences, and I still don't think I have an answer to the question. Would I want to know if I was dying soon? A part of me thinks so, especially after having said goodbye to someone who was such an integral part of my life. I would like the time to prepare my loved ones for my absence, much like my father did. Another part of me thinks it's probably better to not know- in more of a "live each day like it's your last" kind of way. Then there isn't such a heaviness to your last days, and life can truly be lived to the fullest.
If there's one thing I do know, it's that loss has a way of making me wish time would stop. In every other aspect of my life, I've been looking forward to what comes next. High school, college, graduation, the real world... I'm a forward thinker and I'm always planning what comes next. Losing someone I love is the only time I truly wish I could go back. That the days since my last hug would be fewer not more.
Alas..... that's not how life works. So for now, I'll just keep thinking of ways to look back and forward at the same time.
This year, I thought maybe I'd be able to avoid it. Between moving and unpacking, I've been a pretty busy little bee over here, with plenty of things to focus on besides the people I miss the most. But at the same time, this giant step into adulthood had a way of pointing me right to the loss.
The whole time I've been househunting, I've been doing so with the loss of my father at the forefront of my mind. I'm only in the financial position to buy a house at 25 because of the money I got from his life insurance policy. I met with my realtor for the first time on January 12th intentionally, as a way of simultaneously looking back and forward. So when I signed the papers a few weeks ago and spread the news to Nate, Liz and Mom, it felt especially difficult to not share the news with Dad.
Papa's birthday was also hard. Since we said goodbye to him nine months ago I've been thinking about the difference between knowing someone you love will die soon, and being surprised with the news. People always ask if it's better to know the date you're going to die or not, and I still don't know if there's right answer. I guess it's all a matter of opinion and priorities, but I feel like I've felt the loss of Papa in a much more surprising way. I knew Dad was going to die- from the first time he sat me down to tell me he had cancer, I knew it would bring his end. I didn't know how long we'd have, but I knew it was coming. Papa was a complete surprise, to everyone. Because I didn't have nearly as much time to prepare for that loss, I feel like it's almost worse.
I imagine that is also because I projected a lot of the "fatherly" duties onto Papa once Dad died. I think in the back of my mind, I always figured that even though Dad was gone, Papa would be around to answer my questions, teach me about cars and meet potential suitors. I think I'm almost just as sad to be missing out on the chance to dance with Papa at my wedding as I am that I won't get to have the traditional Father-Daughter dance. Buying this house has also been a tough reminder that he's gone because I remember that he promised he'd make us all bars like the one he made Dad once we settled into a place to call home, and I was looking forward to adding that to my furniture collection. I remember telling Tres after my trip to California last summer that I was looking forward to the day that he'd meet Papa, because they could go out to the garage and talk cars- something none of my other boyfriends ever would have been interested in. Now that's an idea that will have to live on in my head.
Nine months of thinking about the differences, and I still don't think I have an answer to the question. Would I want to know if I was dying soon? A part of me thinks so, especially after having said goodbye to someone who was such an integral part of my life. I would like the time to prepare my loved ones for my absence, much like my father did. Another part of me thinks it's probably better to not know- in more of a "live each day like it's your last" kind of way. Then there isn't such a heaviness to your last days, and life can truly be lived to the fullest.
If there's one thing I do know, it's that loss has a way of making me wish time would stop. In every other aspect of my life, I've been looking forward to what comes next. High school, college, graduation, the real world... I'm a forward thinker and I'm always planning what comes next. Losing someone I love is the only time I truly wish I could go back. That the days since my last hug would be fewer not more.
Alas..... that's not how life works. So for now, I'll just keep thinking of ways to look back and forward at the same time.
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